Am I Burned Out? Check This Burnout Symptoms, Stages, Coping Styles List
Most people misunderstand burnout. They misread the symptoms, they rationalize their coping mechanisms, and they mistake the causes - e.g. working harder - as the way out.
And that’s because we’ve been told that burnout – burnout at work, parental burnout, caregiver burnout, ADHD and autism burnout, burnout from code switching all day – is failure, usually our failure.
We tell ourselves that we didn’t work hard enough and there is something wrong with us. But really, it’s just information. It’s your body’s natural response to overwhelming, chronic stress.
Something’s wrong, but it’s not you as a person. Let’s talk about what burnout really is — what it feels like and sounds like — and how real recovery starts.
What is Burnout?
Burnout might sound like this:
“I just feel totally depleted. I love my friends, but when we hang out, I just want to go home and scroll in my bed til I fall asleep.
I really love what I do, but I just don’t… care anymore? It feels like nothing I’m doing lately is making a difference.
It’s hard to get out of bed and get excited for the day when all I’m thinking is ‘Why bother?’”
But, no, I wouldn’t say I’m burned out. Everyone I know feels like this. It’s normal.
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Or this:
“It’s too much. I just can’t keep up. Everyone else seems to be able to make long-term plans, stick to goals, remember their lunch from the fridge, pay all the bills on time, let the chaos of a harsh world roll off their backs, “meal plan”, finish what they start, organize their pantry into cute clear containers — and not also lose their shit when someone is whining.
I feel so disorganized and exhausted and most of all, I’m just mad. What is wrong with me?”
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This too:
“I’m not burned out, I’m just really, really overwhelmed. I’ve got one kid in diapers, and one kid in kindergarten.
I’ve worked my ass off to get this job and I still have a few years to prove myself before I can, you know, breathe again. It’s client-facing, so I can’t just not respond to their 9 PM emails.
We’re losing accounts lately and our bosses will absolutely rage at me and my team if another one walks, even though I know it’s not my fault, and I know our company just… isn’t really producing as high-quality stuff as we used to.
It’s just a lot of pressure, a lot to balance right now.
But that’s work, right?
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And sometimes this:
“My whole life, I was a really positive, “look on the bright side” person. But lately — I don’t even want to admit this — everything just seems… blah. grey.
It started when my youngest kid went to college. After decades of milestones and hustle, I suddenly didn’t know what to do with my time.
I can’t be burned out because I’m doing a lot less than I ever was. But I guess what I was doing all that time wasn’t exactly… me? And I have no idea what I actually want to do or what I like or how I can contribute.
My husband thinks I’m depressed, and maybe I am, but maybe it’s something else too?”
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And I could share dozen more, all a little different, but all saying the same thing:
“I’m exhausted” - Profound emotional, physical, and cognitive exhaustion. Even if you’re not plastered to the couch, you can see your body and brain becoming zombie-like, with memory lapses and no energy for anything extra.
“I don’t care” - The things that used to matter no longer do, the causes and people I love are more burdens than bright spots. It’s also called depersonalization.
“It doesn’t matter” - a sense of personal inefficacy. What I do doesn’t change things, I might as well give up, not try, clock in clock out.
Whatever you call it - exhaustion, languishing, depletion, apathy, sometimes even depression and anxiety - this is burnout.
So what exactly is burnout? Burnout is a natural physical response to adrenaline-fueled chronic stress. Classic studies show it has three main components:
Emotional exhaustion
Cynicism or depersonalization
Inefficacy (“an unconquerable sense of futility”, as Emily and Amelia Nagoski put it in their book Burnout
Burnout syndrome in the workplace even has an official entry in the ICD-11 (World Health Organization): someone who experiences those three criteria for a few months, with impacts on their daily life.
Ever drink so much coffee you fall asleep? That’s burnout in a cup.
An analogy: there was probably a time in your life when you didn’t drink coffee. And then you had your first cup and WOW, that hit. You’re flying. You take on more, stress builds, sleep sucks, but you have coffee. Then you need more to hit that same speed. Then you need more just to stay awake.
Then, eventually, no matter how much you drink, you’re exhausted.
Because you can only block your body from resting for so long before the body blocks you back.
Burnout and caffeine crashes are similar: They’re the result of (a) blocking your body’s need for rest, and (b) masking the exhaustion with adrenaline, which runs out much sooner than we’d like. And when it’s gone, and nothing is blocking the delayed need for rest, the crash hits like a Mack truck.
Burnout isn’t permanent, but holy hell, is it miserable while you’re there.
And it’s miserable by design, because your brain, nervous system, and physical body have all been trying to get your attention for a while. Quietly, gently at first, but now it’s loud, the signals are aggressive.
“It’s not that bad”, “I can handle it”, “This is just how life is”. I hear you. And I’ll ask you two questions:
How much longer do you want your life to feel “not that bad”?
Would you want your children - or future children, or even a pet - to feel like you do right now when they are adults? What makes it okay for you to feel this way?
Even if your life feels normal, manageable, survivable, not worse than what other people have, similar to others’, it doesn't make it optimal.
Here’s the truth: “Manageable” is often not manageable, it’s normalized suffering. Allowing rest, healthy boundaries, and accepting help would challenge the most fundamental systems in our collective infrastructure, economy, and culture (and your little family is a culture too).
It’s a story we perpetuate because it’s like water to a fish: burnout culture and expectations are everywhere and nowhere. And the costs of change seem impossibly high. But mostly, normalized suffering continues because someone benefits
There are numerous sources of burnout, but for now, as you’re trying to convince yourself if any of this is even real or worth addressing, as you’re untangling the vines of self-blame so you can see your burnout for what it is, ask yourself:
Who benefits if we all stop managing?
We’ll talk about these signals - the signs and symptoms of burnout - below, but for now, just know this:
“It makes sense that you haven’t noticed or heeded the signals.”
It makes sense that you’re trying to shout over the blaring alarm — working harder, waking up earlier, or taking the edge off with wine, scrolling, people pleasing.
Very little in our culture, in most families, teaches us how to work hard and rest and play; how to know and accept ourselves deeply; how to calmly, confidently say “thanks, but no thanks” to beliefs and people and obligations and behaviors that are unhealthy - or just not for us.
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What are the costs of burnout?
Burnout is expensive - so expensive, it deserved its own post. And it stays expensive because most of the costs are hidden, yet the benefits of burnout are obvious.
Which is one reason we’re stuck in collective burnout cycles.
But take a hard look at your life, at home and work, or wherever you spend most of your energy.
Do you see evidence of…
Impulse buys that take the edge off stress
Convenient purchases because you don’t have the energy or time to do it the slower, truer, cheaper way?
Expensive vacations and “things for the family” that you struggle to actually enjoy
Medical bills from worsening physical symptoms, wellness, supplements, and self-care purchases that are more bandaids than the surgery that’s needed?
Missed promotions at work from not being able to be present, making mistakes, an unproductive team who has absorbed your burnout energy, “mailing it in”
And that’s just you.
Your burnout and its exhaustion, negativity, emotional rollercoaster, and conflict avoidance doesn't just affect you. It also falls onto:
Your kids (and if you don’t have kids, anyone who depends on you - pets count too!)
Your partners or spouse as a person/people, and your partnership as it’s own third thing
People you’re caring for: patients, older parents, clients
Your team at work, especially if you are a leader (formal or otherwise)
Your friends
Your community
Maybe you think: They can’t tell I’m struggling, I keep it cool, calm, collected on the surface.
First of all, they can absolutely tell. Even if they don’t say it or consciously know it, humans are exquisitely sensitive to changes in energy, body language, and facial expressions in each other - especially the people we love, and especially our caregivers. We are affected by and absorb each other’s states.
They can tell, and it’s contagious.
Second, do it for them. naming your own costs and the costs of your burnout to others is a painful but critical step in recovery.
So many of us are here in burnout because we prioritize everyone else’s needs. Fine. Use that. If the costs to your own life aren’t big enough, see the impact on the people you love.
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What are the stages of burnout?
It wasn’t always like this. There was a time before the full-body flop, the insomnia, the brain fog, the emotional fragility and rage, the cynicism.
For people who experience burnout: they were once aligned. They were joyful. Or, at least they felt a hell of a lot better than they do now.
But the stress mounted, the stressors kept coming, and the exhaustion, cynicism, and futility slowly crept in.
There are many ways to classify burnout, sometimes up to 12 stages - which is really hard to absorb when you’re in burnout!
So here’s a simplified version of what I’ve seen my clients experience:
Early burnout - Stage 1 - is tricky. It feels normal, and it certainly doesn’t look like what we often think of as “burnout”, because we’ve only learned to recognize burnout in its latest stage, its most severe form of absolute mobilization.
But recognizing the early signs and symptoms of the burnout cycle means we can address the signs of adrenaline-fueled productivity before it escalates into the complete nervous system shutdown of Stage 3 burnout.
| Stage 0: No Burnout |
Stage 1: Early Burnout |
Stage 2: Burnout |
Stage 3 Advanced Burnout |
|
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Brain |
Open, Nimble, Playful Clear thinking and sharp memory; easily toggles between long and short term thinking; engages responsively and warmly with environment |
Fight / Flight: Racing thoughts and reactions; either hyperfocus or easily distracted; sharp but narrow memory and cognition |
Freeze Push-pull of fear + overwhelm, “tired and wired”; Anxiety (potentially panic level); memory and cognition gaps |
Flop / Shut down “I don’t care”, “I can’t”, depressive state, deep cognitive fog; avoidance and immobilization; |
| Body |
Responsive and Resilient Steady heartbeat, naturally deep belly breathing; even energy with minimal extremes; Sleeping 7-9 hours; easily recovers from exertion; minimal colds, autoimmune, GI, muscle and joint condition issues |
Foot on the gas Revv’d heart rate, shallow breathing, sleep isn’t great but feeling fine; some GI stressed-based eating; unsettled energy that needs release (intense exercise or adrenaline-fueled activity) |
Brakes + gas at the same time Tired, poor sleep, but also muscle tension and sense of body “bracing”; some autoimmune and health condition symptoms; GI disturbances and stress-based eating (too little, too much) |
All brakes Sleep extremes; health conditions in acute or flare state; hunched or horizontal body posture |
| Heart |
Emotional agility Full range of emotions are welcome and flow through the body. Stress happens, mistakes happen, life isn’t perfect, but you’re able to regulate, own the feelings, and respond with self-compassion and growth. |
Rollercoaster Irritable; worried; quick mood changes; bursts of high productivity and energy |
Stuck Scared, highly anxious - but also overwhelmed, confused, paralyzed; suddenly tearful or ragey |
Depressive Apathy, hopelessness, cynicism, checked out, numb |
Is it Burnout or is it Depression?
Or is it both? It could very well be both. Lucky you. Quick its are below and the deep dive is here
If you’re thinking Stage 3 looks a lot like Depression, and Stages 1-2 look a lot like anxiety - you’re not wrong.
If we think about the non-clinical, non-DSM physiological mechanisms of anxiety and depression, you’ll notice that folks with anxiety are in fight/flight state at baseline. When that continues unabated, untreated, or unmoved for a long time, all that stuck anxiety energy runs the body down and can manifest as depression, or depressive states.
We’re going to talk more about these states and map the burnout stages to the three key nervous system states of Polyvagal theory, but for now, just know that yes, severe burnout and depression look a lot alike. Anxiety and Stages 1-2 can be mirror images.
They look alike, but are they they same?
The major difference between burnout and depression is the source of the nervous system shutdown. The depressive state of stage 3 burnout results from the pile-up of chronic stress, generally driven in one key area (work, parenting, caregiving, ADHD, autism, or other neurodivergence, etc.).
When you step away from that source, eventually the dark cloud lifts - you have energy and interest in your life again.
Depression, on the other hand, is a clinical diagnosis that can be tied to genetics, other medical conditions, and life losses.
It includes, among other factors, pervasive loss of joy and interest in many areas of life. Burnout includes loss of energy, but not a fundamental loss of interest, should the energy return. With depression, changing jobs or stepping away from work without other supports or interventions won’t normally solve the problem.
But - they can and often do coexist, and can also negatively interact (it’s a lot easier to get into burnout if you’re prone to depression; and depression can get worse if your precious vital energy is sucked up by burnout).
It’s critical to seek therapeutic support for clinical depression, trauma, anxiety, OCD, bipolar and mood disorders, and any other mental health concerns. It will help the burnout recovery process immensely with specialized help.
“Stage 0 is Completely Unrealistic”
You’re also not wrong.
A realistic goal for most people is to spend as much time as possible in Stage 0 with realistic trips to Stage 1 to meet the realities of life.
Without intentional effort, many of us will cycle chronically through the burnout stages, rarely spending significant time in a truly even and open safe state of connection.
But Stage 0 - “no burnout” - doesn’t mean 24/7 bliss. It just means we allow ourselves to experience the full range, and the full scale, of emotions and that we feel generally safe.
Imagine a baby.
The baby bursts forth with tears of agony, cries of want, kicking feet of enthusiasm - and then the storm subsides and the baby returns to calm and safety. The emotions don’t linger. There isn’t residue.
That means our ideal state isn’t Zen calm: it’s the ability to welcome all emotions (yes, even anger, helplessness, and furious jealousy), know how to let them fully move through your body, and exit - and then do that.
But life will be life: it will throw death and loss and newborns and trauma and printers that NEVER EVER WORK at you, and you’ll find yourself in stage 1 for a while. That’s okay. The goal isn’t perfection, it’s the practice of returning to zero.
Stick with me if:
The thought of feeling feelings terrifies you
You have no idea what I’m talking about
You think you don’t experience much emotion
This is a teaser to later blog posts, but emotional agility is the heart of sustainable burnout recovery.
What are the signs and symptoms of burnout?
We know what the criteria for burnout are (emotional and physical exhaustion, cynicism, and a sense of personal ineffectiveness), but what does that actually look, feel, and sound like, in real life?
Click the “+” to the right of each row for examples:
-
Distractibility, loss of focus (and in earlier stages: certain periods of intense hyperfocus).
Memory issues
Cognitive fog - can’t focus, can’t reason, trouble finding the right word, name, etc
Confusion and forgetfulness
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Earlier stages: lots of restless energy; late stages; no extra energy
Headaches
Muscle aches, including shoulder, back, jaw, aches
Muscle cramps, spasms
GI Distress: constipation, IBS, IBD flares, gas, nausea, nervous stomach
Shallow or rapid breathing
Higher heart rate than usual
Insomnia
Fatigue
Cold hands / feet
High blood pressure
Tightness or pressure in the head/face
Skin conditions arising or flaring
Allergies worsening
Teeth grinding
Low blood sugar
appetite change
Colds or infections with poor recovery
Sweat
Weight change
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Moodiness, snappiness or sharpness; emotional fragility
Racing thoughts
Compelling but irrational fears
Increased anxiety, worrying, and guilt
Hyperactivity
Loneliness
Feeling overloaded or overwhelmed
Weepiness
Apathy
Helplessness, sense of ineffectiveness in your primary areas of responsibility
Nightmares
Sexual problems
Depression
Coping Mechanisms for Burnout
Stress goes from acute and temporary to chronic when the stressors - the events, people, situations, structures bringing stress to our front door - don’t go away or our stress response - the flight or flight, nervous system lighting up like a Christmas tree - doesn’t ever really quiet.
How are we still functioning?
Because we’re coping. We’re taking the edge off.
We cope in two main ways:
Problem-focused coping mechanisms aim to address or positively reframe the issues
Avoidant-focused coping mechanisms aim to distract us from the problem, without a plan to return when regulated
In my experience, folks in Stages 2/3 of Burnout most commonly use avoidant-focused coping mechanisms, which makes sense: they keep us numb enough to not feel the worst of the pain, but in enough pain to not feel the true relief of the coping.
We loop and cycle, and never fully escape
Click the “+” to the right of each row for examples:
-
These are coping mechanisms that directly seek to solve the underlying root issues of burnout or get your body ready to do so.
Addressing the issues:
Direct action and conversations about the root issues with people who can influence them or who caused the concern
Asking for help - pulling on connections, friends, resources for assistance
Reframing: Healthy, realistic positive reframing, especially for perfectionists who tend to downplay progress
Growing self awareness on the personal and external root causes of stress, one’s own stress response, and how to complete stress cycles (more on that later) with planned actions
!! Careful: intellectualizing, reading, studying, becoming an expert on your own self can be great - unless you’re not actually putting any of these into practice.
If it doesn’t feel deeply uncomfortable, you’re actually avoiding, not acting.
Boundaries: Skillful development of boundaries and management / conservation of energy without guilt.
Coping that “fills the bucket”, enables you to have those hard problem-changing conversations, and may truly lessens one’s reactivity to and investment in the root stressors:
Hobbies: Investing in self-directed and expertise-building hobbies (learning something new is a GREAT way to light up your brain and bring joy to an otherwise draining work or living experience)
Social connections and spending time with family
Physical movement, especially dancing or anything rhythmic, with other people.
!! Careful - this is not a carte blanche for 6 Cross Fit classes a week and Ironman training to “give you something to focus on”. If you’re in Stages 2 or 3, even stage 1, get ready for a months long overtraining recovery
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“Escape strategies”, or anything that takes us out of the feeling, the problems, the stress without a plan to return to and address the issue with a clearer head when regulated.
Screens and entertainment:
Phone scrolling
Video games
Show binging
News, politics, outrage
Numbing behaviors:
Overeating / binging
Intense exercise, running your body into the ground, just to discharge emotions without asking why your emotions are intense enough to need five HIIT workouts a week, a few sprint sessions, and a couple more hours of steady cardio.
Substance use - glass or more of wine at night (“it’s just one thing I can do for myself”), pot to sleep, OTC or short acting prescription drugs to calm the nervous system
Conflict and emotion avoidance:
People pleasing, appeasing, anticipating problems
The group chat vent sessions - gossiping, triangulating, the Zoom side chats, or otherwise letting off steam without committing to addressing the source of the issue directly
Laughing it off or minimizing your pain
Denying, enabling, rationalizing, excusing, or otherwise ignoring toxic or problematic behavior
Outright avoiding certain people, triggering situations, conversations, or events
Work avoidance:
Not opening, reading, or answering emails
Procrastinating til the deadline, extending the deadline repeatedly
Piling “to be completed” work, bills, repairs, responsibilities
Perfectionism, which can be a self-sabotaging technique that means you never actually finish your work
Emotional distractions that keep you focused on anything but the real root issues:
Consistently blaming either yourself or other people for your stress without taking steps to change the source.
Believing you have no power, there’s nothing you can do. It’s a version of victim mode and learned helplessness.
“Help is the sunny side of control”: Codependence, controlling other people’s scenarios and reactions, and solving other people’s problems rather than your own.
Anxiety and it’s powers to distract and distort. It’s AMAZING how your mind will latch onto a friend’s needs, drama at work, horrifying world events, or your own perceived flaws (anyone else’s body dysmorphia creep up when work gets really stressy?)
Here’s what I’ve noticed about symptoms and coping mechanisms. Most people recognize their exhaustion and interrupted sleep. They feel their snappiness. They notice their morning dread and internal nastygram monologue all day at work. They stress about the shoulder pain, flaring eczema, constipation, and IBS.
They know they’re not who they used to be, who they wanted to be, who they know they are.
What they miss are the root causes. What they don’t notice is how their coping mechanisms ease the pain just enough to keep the burnout cycle going, sometimes directly fueling it, guaranteeing it’s only going to get worse.
Want more on these root causes? Check out What Actually Causes Burnout and Extreme Exhaustion.
